TEN CRITICAL DE-ESCALATION SKILLS

aAuthor: Kim Olver

Being able to de-escalate one’s own and the anger of others is an important skill to have in business. Hopefully, this is not something the reader deals with on a regular basis but unfortunately most people in business encounter either their own anger or the anger of others more frequently than they would like.

In order to be successful at de-escalating anger, a person must understand and become skillful in the following areas.

Prevention Steps:

1. Recognize that anger is a choice of a wide range of behaviors that could be used to get what one needs in a situation. It is a behavior that has benefit for its user. Anger can get people the attention they need, help them escape things they don’t want to do, help them gain control over another person or situation, or pump them up when they are feeling small and insignificant.

2. The person interacting with the angry person must identify his or her own emotion at any given point in time. If the helping person is also experiencing anger, then that person will not be very effective assisting others to manage theirs.

3. When potential interventionists are experiencing anger, they must be able to change what they are doing or thinking to get their emotions under control or seek the assistance they will need to manage the situation.

4. Perform a quick self-assessment. A potential helper must ask the following questions. Can I avoid criticizing and finding fault with the angry person? Can I avoid being judgmental? Can I keep from trying to control the other person into doing something he or she doesn’t want to do? Can I keep myself removed from the conflict? Can I believe that the people using anger have the right to make decisions and choices about how they meet their needs and that they have within them the ability to make those decisions? Can I try to see the situation from the angry person’s point of view and understand what need or needs he or she is trying to satisfy? And finally, can I remember that my job is to place the healing of relationships as my primary concern? If the listener can’t answer these questions in the affirmative, then he or she will need assistance in managing the person who is expressing anger.

5. Recognize early warning signs. Many incidents of anger could be prevented if those who are around a person about to become angry notice the subtle change in the person’s behavior. Quiet people may become agitated; while louder, more outgoing people generally become quiet and introspective. Paying attention to these subtle changes and simply commenting on the change could help the individual talk about things so he or she wouldn’t have to become angry. Prevention goes a long way. However, there still will be times when you don’t notice the early warning signs or when your first encounter with the person occurs when they are already in an angry state. Also, it’s possible that you will do everything right in this prevention phase and angry people will still choose anger as their best chance for getting what they want. When any of these situations occur, the listener will need to employ one or all of the five de-escalation skills.

Intervention Steps:

6. Active listening is the process of really attempting to hear, acknowledge and understand what a person is saying. It is a genuine attempt to put oneself in the other person’s situation. More than anything, this involves LISTENING! Listening means attending not only to the words the other person is saying but also the underlying emotion, as well as, the accompanying body language. By simply providing a sounding board and a willing ear, a person’s anger can be dissipated.

7. Acknowledgement occurs when the listener is attempting to sense the emotion underlying the words a person is using and then comments on that emotion. The person may say something like, “You sound really angry right now!” By acknowledging and really trying to understand what the angry person is feeling, that person becomes able to release a lot of the aggression.

8. Agreeing---often when people are angry about something, there is at least 2 % truth in what they are saying. When attempting to diffuse someone’s anger, it is important to find that 2 % of
truth and agree with it.

When someone is angry and the listener attempts to reason with the person, his or her efforts will be largely ineffective. When the listener agrees with the 2% of truth in the angry person’s tirade, he or she takes away the resistance and consequently eliminates the fuel for the fire.

9. Apologizing is a good de-escalation skill. I’m not talking about apologizing for an imaginary wrong. I am talking about sincerely apologizing for anything in the situation that was unjust. It’s simply a statement acknowledging that something occurred that wasn’t right or fair.
This can have the effect of letting angry people know that the listener is sincerely sorry for what they are going through and they may cease to direct their anger at the person attempting to help.

10. Inviting criticism is the final of the de-escalation skills. In this instance the listener would simply ask the angry person to voice his or her criticism of the listener or the situation. The person intervening might say something like, “Go ahead. Tell me everything that has you upset. Don’t hold anything back. I want to hear everything you are angry about.”

This invitation will sometimes temporarily intensify the angry emotion but if the listener continues to encourage the person to vent his or her anger and frustration, eventually, the angry person runs out of complaints. Just let the angry person vent until the anger is spent.

Even when using the above ten skills, there may be a rare occasion when the listener is unsuccessful in the attempts to decrease the other person’s anger. The listener’s safety should be the primary concern. The listener should not get between the angry person and his or her only means of escape and shouldn’t allow the angry person to block the listener’s only means of escape.

Anyone intervening in an emotionally charged situation should always have a plan or an established way to get help if needed and remember to always stay calm. An angry person is generally someone capable of getting out of control. When out of control people sense they are intimidating and scaring others, it can increase their sense of power and control, resulting in an escalation of the situation. The helpers must stay calm and act as if they are in control of themselves and the situation.

Kim Olver has over 20 years experience in staff development and supervision and is an expert in leadership skills, staff relationships and diversity. Certified in reality therapy/choice theory/lead management/quality school concepts, she works with counselors, schools and businesses to apply these ideas. Visit http://www.coachingforexcellence.biz/
Article Source: http://www.articlerich.com/

CONFIDE FOR LESS ANGER IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Author: Dr Tony Fiore

Jose and Juanita have been married for 17 years, and basically love each other, yet have been fighting over the same issue almost every night of those years: She likes it cold at night and he likes it warm in their house and bedroom. She had just opened their bedroom windows for the night. When she left to visit the bathroom, she heard Jose follow her and close all the windows. Let’s eavesdrop to see what we can learn about this fight and what to do about it. —(curtain up)—Juanita: (to Jose) "I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate." Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!"(curtain down)

IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM? Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.

In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and tension. For Jose and Juanita, this unfortunately was the case. Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:

(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or lose.

(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.

For instance, turns out that Juanita literally panics if in a room without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life. CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE. Let’s now listen in on what Jose and Juanita could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication. This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with assertive communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a forthright manner)

Juanita (should have said something like):"I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be comfortable at night.I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish." Jose (should have said something like):"I do really love you and I want you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I can’t sleep.We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to discuss it so it doesn’t make us so angry at each other."

Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:

FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS

Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in both your heart and your mind.

Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of communication.

Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!

Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.

Dr Tony Fiore is a licensed psychologist and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach provides classes, products and resources for adults, couples,the workplace, and professionals. He can be reached at 714-771-0378.
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WAYS FOR COPING WITH ANGER

Author: Ken Snowie -

Anger is a real problem in today’s society, and for this reason it is important that we learn how to cope with anger issues. Everyone at some time or another in their lives has experienced anger and perhaps even lashed out in anger.

Anger is a natural emotion, because we all get hurt, aggravated, insulted, or feel threatened from time to time. Anger can be your greatest ally or your greatest foe. For example, if we feel threatened by another person and we express our anger in a controlled way, the outcome can be favorable. Conversely, if we get out of control, the situation can escalate and become worse than it was before.

Having control of our emotions assists us in life by protecting us and being successful. We are better equipped to handle crisis situations when they occur, such as a financial predicament or medical emergency. However, if we allow our anger to get the better of us, we put our health and well-being at risk.

It is not uncommon for someone to ignore the problem in dealing with anger. The person might be in denial of any negative behavior he or she has exhibited. Denial is a big reason why some people never deal with their problems, or their anger.

Another reason is that acceptance of mental health issues has never really occurred. Mental health experts often debate over the pros and cons of diagnosis. They will inform the patient that diagnosing their condition is only creating a label that can put the patient into struggle. I disagree with this because it is important that a person know what is wrong with them before they can deal with the problem effectively.

Diagnosis can lead to acceptance. Another problem is that a person is misdiagnosed several times before a professional finally figures out what the problem really is, which can cause stress and confusion for the individual. Knowing the origin often makes it easier to deal with the problem.

Anger is an emotion that has been created by some type of force, person, or situation. If this problem is allowed to continue untreated, it only gets worse. A person can only take so much before they blow their top at some point.

Other problems come from mental health issues, excessive alcohol consumption, or even drugs. Not everyone with anger problems has a problem with alcohol and/or drugs, but in some instances, it is an added problem that requires professional attention.

Similarly, not everyone with mental health issues is an alcoholic or drug addict, and not everyone with a mental health issue has anger issues.

The problem then is concealed within the mind. Somewhere in the lifetime of the person, their emotions were broken up. Somewhere in the person’s life he or she was not given the tools to deal with emotions effectively.

Emotions are complicated and they can sap the life from a person. Therefore, when we know how to cope with our anger and other emotions, we are on a path to success.

Nothing feels more gratifying than feeling a sense of control and personal achievement. It is vital to seek help and find someone that can be trusted, in order to for a person with anger issues to deal properly with those emotions.

Our behavior and reactions are based on environment, functions, and attitudes. When we are in an environment that is not good, then it is time get out of that situation. Bad relationships limit our growth.

Surrounding yourself with positive people can benefit your behaviors. Functions are the processes we all deal with daily. When our body and mind are not performing together in a healthy way, we are going to lose control.

Our attitudes contribute to anger in that if we are thinking negatively, negative things will likely happen. Therefore, by practicing positive thinking, you will improve your life and be better able to manage your emotions and feelings, including anger. The best ways for coping with anger depend on the situation and people involved.

To learn more about anger management techniques visit http://www.discoverangermanagement.info/
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DEALING WITH ANGER

Author: Robert Elias Najemy

Rage is an advanced form of anger, just as panic is to fear, a state in which we are even less in control of our words and behavior. Hate is a condition in which we think very badly of someone, avoid contact with him, and probably wish the worst for him, perhaps even hoping that he might experience a tragedy. All three of these emotions, which from here on in we will simply call "anger", are secondary emotions in the sense that they arise from other emotions, such as hurt, fear, guilt, injustice, disappointment, etc.

In general we are controlled by two beliefs here:

1. We believe we must have something that the other is obstructing us from having. This could be anything from sleep, food and shelter, to our peace of mind, our spouse or other persons to whom we are attached.

2. We believe this person toward whom we feel this anger is responsible for our reality. We believe that if it were not for him or her, we would not be unhappy. He or she is "responsible" for our pain and unhappiness.

Anger can also be a starting point for major change for an individual, or even an entire society. Anger can be a source of energy and dedication toward transforming the negative and unjust circumstances around us.

Many of us first need to learn to acknowledge, accept and express our anger before we can regain our self-esteem and empowerment. (We need not vent our anger toward others. We can learn nonviolent ways to express this energy. There are various catharsis techniques for this, which have nothing to do with others.)

Also, there are some cases in which we may need to express anger in order to get a result for which we are responsible. This can be done, however, without demeaning or hurting the other. Hate, on the other hand, is based on weakness and has few redeeming qualities. A strong person seldom hates.

Thus, we are not interested in suppressing our anger, but rather in recognizing it, accepting it, expressing it in non harmful ways, understanding it and focusing its energy in positive directions toward self empowerment and social change.

Here is a brief list of some common reasons we might feel anger towards someone: (You may want to check those which tend to bother you.)1. When others do not agree with us.2. When they do not understand us.3. When they obstruct us from satisfying our needs. (A need could be psychological, such as the need for acceptance, respect or self-esteem)4. When they do not respect us.5. When they think they are superior.6. When they try to control or suppress us.7. When they criticize us.8. When they tell lies or gossip about us.9. When they harm us or someone close to us.10. When they have evil intentions or ulterior motives.11. When they are negative, complaining, whining, criticizing etc.12. When they think they know it all.13. When they give us advice we have not asked for.14. When they play the role of the victim, the "poor me," and want attention.15. When they do not take care of themselves or carry their share of the load.16. When they make mistakes.17. When they do not keep their promises or appointments.18. When they are weak and dependent.19. When they act in an egotistical and selfish ways, disregarding our or others’ needs20. When they use us or others.21. When they are cold and insensitive.22. When they are not responsible to their word or responsibilities23. When they are lazy.24. When they ignore our needs.25. When they reject us.
Other reason__________________________

It would be interesting to go through the same list replacing the word "they" with the word "I," making the analogous changes in the wording, so as to determine when we get angry with ourselves. This exercise may also reveal that some of the anger we feel toward others is actually a projection of anger that we feel toward ourselves. If we could understand and accept ourselves in those situations, we might also understand and accept others.

Positive alternatives to anger or hate could be:

1. We can understand the others’ weaknesses and negative traits. We all have faults and moments in which we are not conscious, loving or respectful of others.

2. If we have faith that nothing happens by chance and that life gives exactly what we need at every moment for our growth process, we will be able to take responsibility for what is happening and stop blaming the other.

3. We need to realize that we are the sole creators of our reality and that we are attracting from life and others whatever corresponds with what we feel and think within ourselves and with whatever we have to learn.

4. We can direct our energy toward changing or correcting that, which makes us angry.

5. We can recognize and understand our own weaknesses and negative traits and thus develop understanding for others’ weaknesses.

6. We can learn forgiveness and love others and ourselves as we are.

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Become a life coach.Over 600 free article and lectures at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/
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ANGER MANAGEMENT COUNSELING- HOW TO SEEK HELP

Author: Jim Johnson

Anger management counseling is a necessary part of many individual's lives. It is important to realize that anger management is something that happens to millions. They just lose control; they just can not handle what is happening. Or, they just get so mad that something just has to give. No matter what happens or how it happens, those that lose control of their anger need to consider seeking out the help of anger management counseling.

Why Invest In Counseling?

For many people, the fact that they need to invest in anger management counseling is something that is bothersome. Why can't they just get themselves under control? That is a problem that many of those suffering with anger management problems have to face. The important thing for you to realize is that this is a condition that is serious and is uncontrollable. They do not try nor do they want to be this angry. It happens because they are pushed, frustrated or stressed to the max.

Even more so, what eventually happens in the angry outburst also is not controllable. No matter how much it would be beneficial for them to be able to just turn if off, they can not do that. That is why anger management counseling is one of the best ways that people can control what is happening to them. As a parent, teen anger management should be counseled as soon as possible.

What Good Does Counseling Do?

Another mistaken theory is that anger management counseling is not worthwhile. It can be, or it may not be. The fact is that no two people are the same. Most of those that enter counseling will learn anger management techniques to help them to ultimately control what is happening in their lives. This is not something that we all can accomplish, but even just learning a few things can drastically improve their lives.

Counseling for anger management will provide tips and techniques for everyday use. It will help them to learn what is truly triggering the outburst and how to handle situations that infuriate them. It is not something that can be learned on your own, though. If you have a loved one facing anger management problems, seeking out the help of anger management counseling can be the best thing for them.

If you are the person that is facing anger management problems, working with a counselor is an ideal way to learn how to deal with these problems. The fact is that if you do not, things will just get worse for you through the long run. If you work with anger management techniques that you will be taught, it can be amazingly beneficial to the entire outlook that you have on your life. Anger management counseling is available through doctor's, through your employer possibly, and possibly through your community.

You can find anger management counseling and anger management techniques and more by visiting our mental health website.
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LIFE CHANGING TIPS FOR BOOMERS: REWIRE YOUR BRAIN TO CONTROL EMOTIONS, AND MAKE POSITIVE LIFE CHOICES

Author: Karen Sherman, Ph.D.

Do You Seem to Get Caught Up in the Same Old Reactions?

Have you ever blown up at your spouse only to realize—after the smoke cleared—that you might have over-reacted just a tad? Maybe you learn that you haven’t been invited to your uncle’s friend’s sister’s birthday party and you behave as if it’s the slight of the century.

Sometimes even the most minor snafu can send us storming out of the room, slamming down a phone, or just shutting down entirely. It’s like we just can’t help it—the reaction is as automatic as a mallet to the knee.

Science Reveals It May Not Be Your Fault

New research indicates that these habitual, knee-jerk responses go way back to our childhood. As youngsters, we learned to adapt to our families’ idiosyncrasies as a way of survival. Psychologists used to refer to these coping mechanisms as our baggage—but what science has now shown us is that these responses are actually hard-wired into our brains. And because our responses are so ingrained, they have become our filtering system for future incidents. In other words, if something happens today that the brain reads as being similar to something that happened in the past, it will respond as if it were the first time, even though you may be in your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and beyond.

Bringing This to Life

For example, let’s say a child comes from a home where the parents fight frequently. That child is going to associate yelling with bad feelings. In later years, if his spouse raises her voice, he’s likely to shut down like when he was a kid—metaphorically running to his room, closing the door, and essentially blocking out the noise.

Does this mean if you come from a family of yellers you’re doomed to hide under your bed every time someone raises a voice? Luckily, recent research indicates that the brain continues to grow throughout our lives—and old patterns can be released as new ones are formed in your boomer years..

Help Is On the Way

The way to managing your anger and knee jerk reactions is to establish new connections by refocusing your attention to a different outcome or possibility. But, before you can foster these new connections in your brain, you have to be aware of the old brain triggers.

When I try and distinguish whether someone’s reaction is a past association, I look to see if their reaction to the situation is automatic and intense. Additionally, when I try and offer an alternative to why they’re behaving that way, the person is resistant and reluctant to consider any other view or interpretation of the situation—other than their own.

In my practice, I work extensively with clients to help them rewire and rewrite their lives. Here is an easy exercise to get you started on rewiring your brain to control your anger and over-reactions that will bring about positive changes in your life-today!

1. Thinking of Alternatives:

a. When you’re projecting your past experience onto a present one, try and imagine alternative ways to handle the situation. For example, let’s say you have lunch plans with a friend—who cancels at the last minute. Immediately, you feel an overwhelming sense of hurt and rejection. Which is how you always feel in similar situations—indicating—voila—a past pattern! Be conscious of this and take a step back to recognize it.

b. Then, approach the situation from an entirely different perspective. Maybe you use humor to deflect the bad feelings, thinking to yourself, “Gee, I guess it’s my deodorant.” Or, you choose the direct approach and ask your friend if you’ve done something to upset her. Or, you take the practical route and figure your friend just overbooked, overextended, or over-promised—and give her a get-out-of-jail-free card. (Hint: If you have difficulty coming up with alternative ways to handle the situation, think about how someone else - your mother, a childhood friend, an admired acquaintance - might handle the same situation.)

2. Plugging in New Choices:

a. Now, replay the actual situation as vividly as possible—the phone ringing, the sound of your friend’s voice, the awkward goodbyes—and imagine yourself carrying out one of your new solutions. Maybe you decide that being understanding of your friend’s busy schedule is the best choice.

b. Replay the phone call and plug in your new behavior, the understanding you, rather than playing out your old behavior of feeling rejected and hurt.

Making it Last

Before long, you will begin to see a slight shift in how you feel. By doing this exercise again and again, you will refocus your attention on a new outcome. This will rewire your brain and make a new neural connection—a connection to positive change!



Finally, a psychologist who goes that extra mile & cares about people. Whether Karen Sherman, Ph.D. is giving a speech or offering a workshop-she’s helping people. Let Karen help you make positive life choices both personally & in your relationships by signing up for her free newsletter at http://www.drkarensherman.com/newsletter.htm

Article Source: http://www.articlerich.com

TEEN ANGER MANAGEMENT

Author: Jim Johnson

Teen anger management is something that many people struggle with. The bottom line is to know what level of anger is acceptable and what has gone too far. Teens are under a great deal of pressure, there is no doubt about that. Yet, it goes further to suggest that when anger gets to the point of scaring someone or causing harm to someone or something, then there is too much anger. Often, teens, just like everyone else, need anger management techniques taught to them to overcome these situations.

Teen anger management is becoming a growing problem. This has to do with many things but often has to do with the sheer fact that teens today face a great deal more pressure than they did a few decades ago. They have more disdain for their lives, for their peers and for their parents. This is due to numerous things but usually can be attributed to things like family problems in which they blame themselves, problems with peer pressure including the use of alcohol and drugs and it can be from the responsibilities they take on at school. On top of this, there is stress from relationships as well as employment.

In other words, teen anger management is often lost because they have so much happening to them. As a parent, a friend or a teacher, it is essential to take note of problems with anger because they can and they will escalate. They do develop into more harsh words, physical abuse and they can even become self destructive. Therefore, those that have found their child dealing with anger management need to do something about it.

What Can Be Done?

While it is a very difficult thing to do, it is often necessary for parents to provide their child with anger management counseling when they have gotten to this level. There is one solid reason for doing this. It is the most successful at helping them to learn to cope with anger instead of lashing out at everyone else. Anger management techniques are often taught to the teen to allow them to learn how to cope with, manage and work through their anger instead of blowing up.

Anger management counseling is often the best way to go. The good news is that there are many opportunities to secure this level of help for a child. It can start with the school counselor. Some schools do offer help to children with anger management problems. Additionally, the child's doctor can also help them to find the best possible solution. It makes good sense that the child would seek help at this level.

Anger management counseling is essential and it readily available to teens. If parents, friends and counselors would take notice of these needs, it can be a step at allowing the healing to really begin. Often, we notice anger management when it has gotten destructive, but if you do nothing for it, it can get even worse. Problems with teen anger management can destroy their lives.



You can find info on teen anger management and anger management tips and more by visiting our mental health website.

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QUIZ YOUR ANGER

Quiz Your Anger by cdmohatta

Anger is one of the most common emotions. Most of us get angry. Some of us get angry at the smallest provocation, while for some others it takes more. Some of us keep our anger with us and seethe with that while others may release it immediately.

Anger over what was done wrong with us is the most damaging emotion. It tires us very fast. Any betrayal can give rise to anger that can go out of control. Even the memory can evoke same intensity of anger. I know of one person whose sweetheart ditched her. She was extremely hurt and angry. The thought itself was overwhelming. One day she saw the photograph of her sweetheart with his new love. The pain of anger and helpless frustration was unbearable and medical help was called. After that whenever she got the memory of that photograph, she used to imagine two very dirty dogs in that picture. The anger remains, but that photograph does not hurt as much.

Why do you get angry? When do you get angry? Your anger lasts for how much time? Are their any triggers that ignite your anger? Analyze them carefully. If possible, write down about your anger and think about it. Compare your anger reaction with others if possible. Find out all about your anger personality. Avoid the triggers. Avoid people who make you agree. Avoid thoughts that ignite anger. Save yourself from your anger.

The author C.D.Mohatta writes for quizzes on topics like love, personality, dating, relationships, friendship, business, etc. The author also writes for free greetings on holidays, birthday, love, friendship, family and all events and occasions. One more site recommended by the author has free sports games which surfers can play online.





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